We all have those “friends” that are a bad investment.

We care, so we try to be there for them, and it is rarely reciprocated. It would be nice to get a “hi” once in a while, or an “I acknowledge you still exist” without them needing money. When I contact people like this, it’s usually to say “hey, I’m thinking about you”, and I get a canned response of “everything sucks” or other drama and a robotic “how are you?”.

I know I’m not the center of anyone’s universe, (wouldn’t really want to be, honestly) and frankly, if they don’t want me in their life, I’m happy to go away… But I’m getting too old for bullshit friends.

This isn’t to say I invest a lot of emotion into these people, I’m pretty pragmatic. I used to get all upset when people blew me off, now I just chalk it up to people being inherently selfish. I’m not going to stop being a good person and making efforts until someone shows me repeatedly that I should.

Category: Friends, General Life, People and Pets | Comments Off on Investments

Life … is good

I’ve been really happy lately with my life overall.

I love my job, Robert and I are getting along great, I am exercising and feeling better than I have in years, and we are approaching the end of several debts.  I’d like to be able to also say that we were homeowners again, but that’s still a couple years off.  This is the last house, so we really want to find the perfect place and we want to have about 20% down.

Additionally, I think I have finally let go of the past, the animosity, and the issues that I have held onto for so long.  I know who my real friends are, I know where I stand with my friends and loved ones, and I am more at peace with me than I think I have ever been.  I think maturity has a lot to do with it, but I also feel like I communicate better with people and I don’t allow others to dictate my emotions.

Now, if I can just lost this effing 30lbs… I have been stuck at 190-195 for 4+ years now!

Category: Friends, General Life, I Love My Job! | Comments Off on Life … is good

Why walls exist…

I guess I shouldn’t be upset or surprised when “friends” blow me off. Especially those who always act like I should always be there for them, but when reversed they are not capable of being there for me. I tried, but everything I say goes in one ear and out their mouth.

It’s also frustrating to always be nice, generous, caring and friendly, and still be thought of as this super woman with no feelings or emotion. Sure, I used to hide behind a bitch persona, but I’m not hiding anymore, and being exposed is hard. Especially when the emo, whiny, selfish, attention whores get all of the “oh she’s so nice” even though they rarely even check on “friends” unless they’re contacted first…

Also to not be able to say anything to anyone because “they’re fragile” and if they have their feelings hurt, they’ll implode.

And people wonder why 90% of my friends are male. Ugh!

Category: Friends, General Life, The World Around Me | Comments Off on Why walls exist…


It’s hard sometimes to always put on the happy face, the strong-nothing is ever wrong face that people expect from me. I’m generally a very happy person, but I am human and still have down days, sometimes they can get really bad…

I don’t want to be coddled, but sometimes a hug would be nice. It seems like unless you are a big emo ball of emotion people just don’t care. I am not allowed to be sick, to take a day off from people because I feel awful, because I am me… I am strong… I have to always be there for people, even when they are rarely there for me.

Is it fair? No, but I realize that people are selfish and I shouldn’t expect them to treat me fairly… Why should they bother themselves for me? I mean, do I ever do anything for them? I never bend over backwards or inconvenience myself for them… *sigh*

Trust Owed where Trust is Given

I always wonder why people scream out for attention or help, then when people who care respond, they are shunned. It feels like the old “girl who cried wolf” story. I understand that some people have a hard time with trusting people, even though the people have proven themselves, but then why not just keep it all the way in and not cause those who care the pain of your pain?

When I hurt, people rarely know, because the truth is, nobody has earned that level of trust… Those who almost did, showed me why they don’t deserve it. Despite that, I am still true to my word where they are concerned… It’s a catch 22 when you try to give trust and it’s broken by people you have given it to 100% and they don’t even want it.

What was it I said once? Oh yeah… People suck!

Category: Friends | LEAVE A COMMENT

A Day Full of Winning!

So, I came in this morning, half asleep and still managed to get a document updated and sent off for review and data by noon.  I have errands to run after work, want to get my nails done, have to clean the chinnies and cook dinner before the guys arrive at 7:30 to play our first Exalted game.

Though, I am feeling better today.  I just really hare hormonal mood swings and the way they make me feel.  I guess it’s worth it though, to not have to be a guy. (Ick)



I wish I had someone I could talk to when I am feeling down.

I have mostly male friends, and they can never understand what it’s like to be a female and have hormonal depression.  Robert tries to listen, but he’s a also guy and usually it’s “it’ll be ok” instead of trying to really understand the issue.  Also, when it’s an issue I have that concerns him (in any fashion) he just glosses over the fact that I have said anything.  I mean, literally changes the subject or says nothing, instead of addressing the issue at hand.  I guess I should be thankful there are no REAL issues there…

I do have a few female friends, but none that I feel would be there for me, completely.  I have tried that in the past (more than once) and been shown that women are generally selfish and if it suits their agenda, they will reveal your private conversations to others with no remorse.

So what do you do?  Just hold it in and wait for it to pass, post it somewhere in a private journal to get it out, or just smile and pretend everything is fine… I’m not sure anymore… but if anyone has suggestions… I am open to try them.